Dear Gerlaine,
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. The first year and a half were great, not always perfect, but good. We got together about 4 months after my ex-husband and I split.
We worked together and after the split we just started talking more and more, then after a couple of months started dating. He has always been reserved and kind of passive, letting make the first move or make plans. I used to have no problem with it but after a while it started to feel like he didn’t care. He’d say what ever I wanted, but didn’t act like he wanted, always saying that was his way of being supportive.
We did have a lot of fun, and still do sometimes. The job we work at things got really bad, there were lots of situations of Work Place Harrassment, of which my boyfriend was one of the targets amongst many others. I was even talking almost daily to the HR person to find out what we could do about.
My boyfriend’s confidence got worse and worse and he started drinking sometimes heavily. Then at the beginning of last year he lost his job and fell into depression. Things have been a roller coaster. He thinks that his mom and I are the only ones that have stood by him in all this.
The problem is that because of his depression he has pushed me away more and more. He told me that he cares about me deeply, but can’t seem to say that he loves me. I know he’s been hurt in past relationships and so have I.
I tend to leap in with everything I’ve got and not think about how good a person is for me or if we have the same goals (my marriage ended pretty badly because of this). Lately I find myself thinking that I deserve someone who can show me he loves and wants me around instead of doing so my just saying “If you want to”. He always says that and I’ve tried to tell him that it sounds like “I don’t care”, he says he thinks it’s showing that he doesn’t want to push me into anything.
We have a big group of friends I met through him. We see them once a week on Tuesdays and sometimes other times as well. I’ve become friends with many of them, but they were all his friends first. I think they would be supportive no matter what, as they are kind of like second family, but it still makes everything more complicated feeling. He’s always been shy, though I’ve seen him open up around them and a few others and he’s funny and smart.
He doesn’t have money to pitch in so he doesn’t like to go out much. It’s been a year and he has been having a very hard time finding a new job, sometimes giving up, then bouts of looking again. He has always been very supportive of me and a great friend, my best friend.
We still have long conversations in person or online. But can be distant otherwise, not romantic or passionate. We’ve fallen into a pattern. I’ll stay over at his place sometimes watch TV or a movie than crash out but just sleep. I’d convinced myself that we had pretty much become friends and were only in a relationship in title.
I was working myself up to tell him we should break up and be friends and suddenly he starts trying to reconnect, holding my hand and kissing me the other night. We talked all night, crying, kissing, and even laughing but nothing got resolved.
At his old job he worked really hard, now he just stays at home. I’m out working and trying to better myself. I got out of that bad job too. I think our priorities and goals may be too different. But I still love him and enjoy being with him. Yet I felt neglected and pushed away for so long that I’m not sure if I’m in love with him any more.
Mostly I don’t know if I can keep going on in the relationship, but I’m scared to death to end it and lose his friendship and hurt him (even worse I’m kind of scared of him getting far more depressed). Should I give it another go and see if he can stop pushing me away? Or should we try to just be friends, is that even possible to transition?
Please any advice you have…
Very Confused
Dear Very Confused,
You said something in your letter that really stood out for me, right from the beginning:
“I tend to leap in with everything I’ve got and not think about how good a person is for me or if we have the same goals (my marriage ended pretty badly because of this).”
Love, you know and I will reiterate… you have fallen into a pattern. Lucky for you, you fell into this pattern with a very passive man. (And that makes you not so lucky at the same time.)
This is the longest bounce back relationship that I have ever heard of. You got into this relationship pretty quickly after your divorce. I am sure that it was a sweet contrast to the relationship that you had before, but probably not a healthy one.
The man is out of a job and feels out of place as a man. He was already a pretty passive and lowly guy when you met him. He was being harassed and drinking was his answer. Now, he has nothing… even a relationship with someone as loving and supportive as you will not help this man feel that he has accomplished anything.
Leaving or staying… I always leave that up to the person. The advice I will give is to be his friend. Don’t be a passive friend.
Put a fire under his ass and let him know that he has sulked and drank long enough. It is time for him to stand up and get back into the game. Let him know that you are his friend and that you love him and you’re not going to sit passively and watch him rot anymore.
Don’t help him. Don’t help him find interviews or jobs. Ask him every couple weeks, how is job search going? If he hasn’t been. Say, what you waiting for? If he has been out, then praise him in some way. Remember to always be loving when you talk about the job thing, but firm.
Do not worry about how he will take the break-up, if that is your decision. You are not responsible for his happiness. Nor should you put that kind of weight on your shoulders.
He’s passive. He will still be your friend after a break-up. It will be “whatever you want.”
What will be necessary, if you break up… is for you to take some time out for you. Part of the transition will be to learn to be friends with this man before you move on to another relationship.
I hope this helped in some way. More love to you.
~G