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How Do I Tell My Friend: We Can’t Be Friends?

Dear Gerlaine,

My friend and I have been BEST friends since second grade, but in the past few years she and I have drifted apart and we don’t talk on a regular basis.

She’s one of those people that tries to please everybody, so she’ll say one thing and then do the opposite. Very codependent, suffered from ana/mia for a long time, and that’s what’s scaring me.

A while ago something happened to both me and my family, her and her family, and a bunch of others where EVERYONE who we thought were friends betrayed us. (this wasn’t something that happened at school, this was between adults too. like court action was almost taken.)
She however; needs to feel accepted by everybody.  She didn’t really make any new friends.  So she’s been clinging to the old ones.   She won’t let go and she needs to.   She doesn’t know what game she’s playing.  But she’s vulnerable, like I said, suffering with anorexia and bulimia.

She’s gonna call me sometime today and I need to tell her what’s up.  She’s definitely not healthy for me to be around, she’s not healthy for herself, no one she’s close to will stand up to her, but I don’t want to break her. What do I say?!

I’ve been her backbone for so long. I love her, I really do, but things can’t stay this way. I don’t want to *ditch* her, but I want to help her understand where I’m coming from!

HELP! ~iDefyGravity (Source)

Dear iDefyGravity,

Your friend is definitely unhealthy.  Everything that she is doing seems to stem from her low self image.

She will not understand you if you try to get her to.  She is living inside of a cage of her own making.  She doesn’t see the world the way you do.

I believe that an intervention would be best for this girl.  You can find groups that help girls who are suffering with anorexia and bulimia.

No matter what people say, you can’t help your friends get better unless they want to get better.  So even if you go the intervention route, it may not completely change things.

If you cut her off, anyway you cut it, she will be hurt. There is nothing that you can do about that. I feel the direct cut is better. Surgical wounds heal the fastest, but when someone is torn from a long drawn out avoiding… those never heal right.

Your friendship may survive, if the intervention is successful. Even if it doesn’t, you left your friend in a better place. You will have truly cared for her.

More love to you, ~PG


I Can’t Be Friends With My Best Friend Anymore?

Dear Gerlaine,

Okay, so I have this friend whom I’ve been best friends with for like 6 Months. We share our food.  We do each others hair to go to clubs together.  We’re like sisters.

But then one of her friends had a Birthday sleepover and it seemed like everything changed from just one sleepover. My best friend would go to Facebook and brag about how much fun they’re having and all these things.

I felt a bit jealous, because it seemed fun and I wasn’t invited. Then she came on MSN after the sleepover finished and she deleted me out of her status name and put, “ly lousie and bex x” (because Louise and Bex were the girls who were having the sleepover” and I said to her:

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Me: Hey Esme, im not in your name anymore.
Esme: I kno
Me: Uhm how come?
Esme: Cos me, bex and louise decided to do that in our names.
Me: Well, can you include me?
Esme: No.

Then it went from there and she was like:


“OMG DONT GET IN A FRICKEN MOOD JUST BECOZ I DIDNT PUT U IN MY NAME JEEZ.”

I felt like I didn’t wanna argue so I said, “sorry” and went offline.

Today she was hanging out with one of them, Louise, and they went off linking together, walking really fast as if they didn’t want me to catch up.   We all went some place together, then they disappeared and ditched me.  I felt really rejected.

Every time she’s around them, her attitude changes and she leaves me out. I don’t wanna be friends with her anymore, and I CANT because she always makes me upset?

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How do I drop her as a friend?~ Bre Bre (Source)

Dear Bre Bre,

You and Esme have only been friends for about 6 months.  This is not a life long bond.  It can be easily broken.  You only must decide to break it.

She seems like more of a close acquaintance that you had a stint of hanging out with.

The online status thing doesn’t really matter, but no friend ditches their friend.  She doesn’t care.  She wants you to get the message.  So, please, get the message.

Leave her alone.  Stay away from people who would hurt you so coldly.

More love to you,  ~PG


How To Strengthen My Bond With My Best Friend?

Dear Gerlaine,

Me and my best friend have been together (boy and boy) for around 3 years. I think we are pretty close but I’m worried that he will ditch me.  Basically we usually go to each others houses every Friday.

We don’t really hug or anything ‘cus its not really his kind of thing, but I don’t mind hugs or anything. We don’t really hang around with each other at lunch times at school either.  By the way were both 15.

Anyways, lately there’s been this little midget, and he’s been hanging around with my friend, and I’m pretty annoyed ‘cus I think they are too close.  I’m worried that my friend will start being friends with him and ditch me.

I’m also worried that my best friend is hiding things from me. I mean like aren’t best friends supposed to share everything?  Apparently, today he was saying something about the little midget and then he was about to tell me but then stopped.  I then asked what, but he said nothing.  Then he said the midget said not to tell me.

After that I was really depressed (this is all today) and went all quiet and stuff. I dunno if he realized but I didn’t really reply much except for “yeah” or “uhu” for his questions.

I’m worried about us.  I know it’s strong, but this strength may be decreasing. What should I do to make it so that we are inseparable? I mean I remember a few times, like 3 – 4 times, he has mentioned that I am like a brother to him or that he would not do this to anyone else, but I dunno. What can I do to make us really, really close? Like REALLY close (not gay).

I know its cheesy, but I really love my best friend. I would kill myself if he left.

Thank you.  ~John  (Source)

Dear John,

Sounds like you really love your friend.  15 is a really confusing age.  So, its understandable that you have these feelings about your friend.

The feelings do sound a bit sensitive.  They even sound like you may have homosexual tendencies.  If your friend is not into hugging you, then you may not want to explore that with him.  If you believe that you have these tendencies at all.

I question whether you have a father figure in your life or are you just a sensitive type male.   What ever the case, you want to keep your friendship.  So, that is where we will go in this letter.

Your friends will sometimes make other friends.  That may not be your style, but it sure is his.  When people have separate friends, then there will be separate secrets to keep.  So, no your best friend can’t tell you his other friends secrets.  You wouldn’t want him telling the midget your secrets, would you?

Allow your friend to have other friends.  If you love him, then you want him to be happy, right?

It sounds like you are more interested in how you feel than how he feels.  You may want to check that, if you really love your friend.  Love is patient, love is kind, it is not self seeking.

Killing yourself over losing your best friend is obsession and it is selfishness.  Please seek a school counselor or a pastor to talk to about that.

More love to you,  ~PG


How Do I Get My Hubby More Involved?

Dear Gerlaine,

“My husband is a hard worker, works 5 days a week and occasional weekends and is a great provider.  Allowing me to be a stay at home mom to our 5 year old.

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The problem is that he rarely attends my sons extracurricular stuff even though he’s home on time to go.   When he takes personal days from work he doesn’t come with me to drop off or pick up our son from school.  He doesn’t want to eat out.  He doesn’t do any shopping with me… its a lot like being a single mom.

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I would just genuinely enjoy his company and conversation and to be doing stuff as a family.

~Pinkshells (Source)

Dear Pinkshells,

A man who provides for his family does a beautiful thing.  There are so many men out there who can not and will not provide for their families.  That contrast should not make you the happiest girl in the world, but certainly should not make you the saddest.

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Stay at home mom’s often feel like single parents, because most of the burden of child rearing is left on the at home mom!  You can not possibly understand what it is like to be away from your child and needing space.

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Myself, I am a single mom who has to work.  When I come home, I am not able to make all of my sons activities.  I am not able to pick him up and drop him off all the time.  I do not take him out as much as I should.

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I wouldn’t give my hubby any flack if I were you.  When you complain to men about something, it does not make them happy to do it, but a bit repulsed by it.  Then you don’t get what you want, which is more time.

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The best thing to do is to leave him be on his work days.  When he takes a personal day understand that he just wants to relax.  Ask for his time on his off days.

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Ask for just a little family time and plan trips and outings and things to do.  Finalize eating out by not cooking that day and making sure all the leftovers are gone.

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Allow your child to ask him to come to games on their own.  Do not prod the child to ask.  The child will ask when they most need their daddy.

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Do not ask the man to go shopping.  Period.

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Talk to him at dinner.  Relax with him at bed time.  Enjoy him on his personal days.  Enjoy simple time on his weekends.  Do not stress about it.  Celebrate the times that he does go out with you and do things.  Just make sure they are in his time, especially since he is the sole provider.

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You can also start your own little home based business.  You can join a group of stay at home moms for activities.  Other things that fill your time are very attractive for a man. (He may even get a little jealous.  Do not be annoyed.  You want more of his attention.)  As long as you do not let them interfere with your at home duties.

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More love to you.  ~PG


The Online Cheater

Dear Gerlaine,

“I’m sick and tired and I’ve had enough. Every time I have a bad time with my husband I find him signing up to dating sites. This is the 3rd time in the last year, when we have relationship problem he goes straight to find another woman.  He didn’t have any luck in the past and he told me nothing came of it. I  know that true. He hasn’t ever cheated on me.  Not in person with someone, anyways.
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So I had a girls night out last weekend, he was fine…then I get a ride home with some mates and a coupla guys, my husband was furious.  I didn’t ever cheat on him and I would never, we fight then everything is fine.
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Then today I find he joined a dating website but he swears he never used it, just thought he better as I was “cheating”.  He said he had every excuse to do that, because I got a ride home with some boys.  Well, I didn’t know these boys because they were friends with our housemate and offered us a lift.
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Anyways, my husband has never been with a woman before me, he was a quite geeky virgin from the middle east.  He has no experience in anything so I find. But I have told him many times even when we have trouble doesn’t mean we need to find someone else.
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Our relationship troubles are ONLY because I caught him chatting and using date sites 3 times in the past ad this was only when we thought we may separate.   Because of no trusting another, then he calls me trouble woman because I get upset about it. I’m doing my head in and I’ve had enough.
I wanted to left him tonight and he begged me to come back and he loves me and is going to make me happy. But why does he do this things? Please help I just been married one and half years.
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When I say let me go and enjoy with other woman… he wont let me go?” ~ Luna (Source)
Dear Luna,
Signing up to dating sites is not a horribly serious offense.  Using them to find women would make it so.  I believe your husband is trying to get your attention in some way.  If you have caught him 3 times in just a year and a half, then he wanted to be caught.
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There are some deep issues issues here.  I hear you say that you don’t trust each other.  Sadly, it feels that way when relationships are new.  There may be some need for some counseling here.  I do recommend you find a good counselor.
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You say that is man does  not have any experience in relationships before you.  You are in for quite a road.  I believe dating some before marriage can work out in our society.
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In years past, people got married early and dating wasn’t prevalent, but in a dating society like we have now.  It is important to experience this part of culture.   Though, the two of you are married, and going back to dating is not a wise option, I still must recommend counseling.
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I ask you to also be understanding of your husband having no experience.  I know that you learned some of that during your marriage, but love is not for when a person makes you feel good, but for the times that they don’t make you feel so good.
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To be plain with you, Luna, he won’t let you go, because you won’t let go.  If you actually left and did not return, there would be nothing he could do but beg.
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If you are looking for him to be the stronger person and let the relationship go, then you may be waiting a long time.  If you are waiting for him to cheat, then you still may be waiting a long time.  You must be strong, if you are really fed up.
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I always recommend staying together and working things out.  There is much more to a relationship than cheating.  We just seem to focus more on cheating than anything else, in our society.
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There is nothing that you guys can do to make each other happy.  You have to be happy within yourselves and accepting of the other person.  Know that you can’t make him happy. Know that you can only be a happy person within yourself.  You can also accept him for who he is.
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Get the counseling.  More love to you.
~PG

I Don’t Like Other Girls!

I’m a Girl but I Can’t Stand Girls. Am I Weird?

Dear Gerlaine,

I’m kinda tomboyish and I only have 1 girl mate but she is exactly like me.  The rest of my mates are all boys. It pisses me off to be around other girls.  The way they always ***** and are way to attention seeking.

Even the way they talk about useless s**t like the nail they broke or the way they do their make up and stuff.  They don’t shut up and all they do is go shopping.  Sure I wear make up and go shopping, but I don’t constantly rabbit on about it.

Oh, and most of them don’t like to do cool stuff like paintballing or super bike racing or even just hanging out without being stupidly loud and over reacting to everything you say.

Am I weird?  ~Hayliee (Source)

Dear Hayliee,

Nope, you’re no where near weird.  I myself was a Tomboy growing up and all of my girl friends were basically like me.  It is only natural to gravitate toward people who are more like you.

The girlie girls have their place in life.  Even though it seems that their only place right now is to annoy you.  :)

You seem like a very cool girl.  Keep being cool and enjoy your mates.  Shop, where your make up and smile cause you know that you’re the “bestest.”

More love to you,

~PG


Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Dear Gerlaine,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. The first year and a half were great, not always perfect, but good. We got together about 4 months after my ex-husband and I split.

We worked together and after the split we just started talking more and more, then after a couple of months started dating. He has always been reserved and kind of passive, letting make the first move or make plans. I used to have no problem with it but after a while it started to feel like he didn’t care. He’d say what ever I wanted, but didn’t act like he wanted, always saying that was his way of being supportive.

We did have a lot of fun, and still do sometimes. The job we work at things got really bad, there were lots of situations of Work Place Harrassment, of which my boyfriend was one of the targets amongst many others. I was even talking almost daily to the HR person to find out what we could do about.

My boyfriend’s confidence got worse and worse and he started drinking sometimes heavily. Then at the beginning of last year he lost his job and fell into depression. Things have been a roller coaster. He thinks that his mom and I are the only ones that have stood by him in all this.

The problem is that because of his depression he has pushed me away more and more. He told me that he cares about me deeply, but can’t seem to say that he loves me. I know he’s been hurt in past relationships and so have I.

I tend to leap in with everything I’ve got and not think about how good a person is for me or if we have the same goals (my marriage ended pretty badly because of this). Lately I find myself thinking that I deserve someone who can show me he loves and wants me around instead of doing so my just saying “If you want to”.  He always says that and I’ve tried to tell him that it sounds like “I don’t care”, he says he thinks it’s showing that he doesn’t want to push me into anything.

We have a big group of friends I met through him. We see them once a week on Tuesdays and sometimes other times as well. I’ve become friends with many of them, but they were all his friends first. I think they would be supportive no matter what, as they are kind of like second family, but it still makes everything more complicated feeling. He’s always been shy, though I’ve seen him open up around them and a few others and he’s funny and smart.

He doesn’t have money to pitch in so he doesn’t like to go out much. It’s been a year and he has been having a very hard time finding a new job, sometimes giving up, then bouts of looking again. He has always been very supportive of me and a great friend, my best friend.

We still have long conversations in person or online. But can be distant otherwise, not romantic or passionate. We’ve fallen into a pattern. I’ll stay over at his place sometimes watch TV or a movie than crash out but just sleep. I’d convinced myself that we had pretty much become friends and were only in a relationship in title.

I was working myself up to tell him we should break up and be friends and suddenly he starts trying to reconnect, holding my hand and kissing me the other night. We talked all night, crying, kissing, and even laughing but nothing got resolved.

At his old job he worked really hard, now he just stays at home. I’m out working and trying to better myself. I got out of that bad job too. I think our priorities and goals may be too different. But I still love him and enjoy being with him. Yet I felt neglected and pushed away for so long that I’m not sure if I’m in love with him any more.

Mostly I don’t know if I can keep going on in the relationship, but I’m scared to death to end it and lose his friendship and hurt him (even worse I’m kind of scared of him getting far more depressed). Should I give it another go and see if he can stop pushing me away? Or should we try to just be friends, is that even possible to transition?

Please any advice you have…

Very Confused

Dear Very Confused,

You said something in your letter that really stood out for me, right from the beginning:

“I tend to leap in with everything I’ve got and not think about how good a person is for me or if we have the same goals (my marriage ended pretty badly because of this).”

Love, you know and I will reiterate…  you have fallen into a pattern.  Lucky for you, you fell into this pattern with a very passive man.  (And that makes you not so lucky at the same time.)

This is the longest bounce back relationship that I have ever heard of.  You got into this relationship pretty quickly after your divorce.  I am sure that it was a sweet contrast to the relationship that you had before, but probably not a healthy one.

The man is out of a job and feels out of place as a man.  He was already a pretty passive and lowly guy when you met him.  He was being harassed and drinking was his answer.  Now, he has nothing… even a relationship with someone as loving and supportive as you will not help this man feel that he has accomplished anything.

Leaving or staying… I always leave that up to the person.  The advice I will give is to be his friend.  Don’t be a passive friend.

Put a fire under his ass and let him know that he has sulked and drank long enough.  It is time for him to stand up and get back into the game.  Let him know that you are his friend and that you love him and you’re not going to sit passively and watch him rot anymore.

Don’t help him.  Don’t help him find interviews or jobs.  Ask him every couple weeks, how is job search going?  If he hasn’t been.  Say, what you waiting for?  If he has been out, then praise him in some way.  Remember to always be loving when you talk about the job thing, but firm.

Do not worry about how he will take the break-up, if that is your decision.  You are not responsible for his happiness.  Nor should you put that kind of weight on your shoulders.

He’s passive.  He will still be your friend after a break-up.  It will be “whatever you want.”

What will be necessary, if you break up… is for you to take some time out for you.  Part of the transition will be to learn to be friends with this man before you move on to another relationship.

I hope this helped in some way.  More love to you.

~G


Help, I’m a Commitment Phobic!

Dear Gerlaine,

Sorry I’ve never done this (write to a blog author) but I think I need some advice from someone who isn’t personally involved (ie. friend or family member).

I have always been a commitment phobe and most relationships never lasted longer than a month. Right before I left my old job and moved states, I and a coworker started dating. I think when it started off, I was more willing to let him in because I was leaving. He always knew and it was always discussed if we should just continue dating or remain as friends.

I moved 1400 miles away and we stayed in touch. Somehow I couldn’t not talk to him anymore. He had also become my best friend. We talked and most guys got compared to him and we decided to call it a long distance relationship.

We’ve been in this LDR now for over 6 months and he just got a job up here and will be moving up. But all we’ve done the past few months is fight. And while he is a good guy, he has major communication problems, and just doesn’t know how to, which is very frustrating for me as I’m very open and honest with him.

He’s also not as romantic as I have apparently realized I need. We’ve discussed this as well as he thinks I’m not patient enough, but nothing is changing, for either of us. He seems to think all the problems are long distance and will be solved when he’s up here in person. I’m not so sure.

We are each other’s first loves. I don’t know if we’re hanging on just because of that; if we’ve too many differences and not enough skills to make it work or be the right person for each other; or if it’s just me freaking out and stress from both of us.

Thanks,

Ms. Phobia

Dear Ms. Phobia,

I know what it feels like to a commitment phobic. We will find any reason to end a relationship and we most often do. You’re a “run away bride” and its only natural for you to enter relationships that you know will end or that you know how to end.

This guy doesn’t seem to want to let you go. He found a job 1400 miles away just to be with you. I don’t think he may be holding on to some past love. I think he may love you now.

You have some internal feelings and values that you need to deal with. If he is truly your friend, he will be there for you. I wouldn’t say tell him not to come. I am sure he has made some solid arrangements to come to the states.

I would say continue to be honest. You may want him to get his own place once he arrives. It is important that you deal with your commitment issues before you promise to commit to this man.

As for him not communicating and not being romantic… how did he get you in the first place? You were first loves. This is not for you to answer me, but answer for yourself.

You obviously care for him or you would not be writing. Relationships and life are not easy. This answer comes with a bit of strain. There will be some work on your part.

Ask yourself: Do you want to commit to someone at this point in your life?

If you do, but are afraid to, then you must confront the fear. Don’t ask why. Why doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

Ask how to create a committed and long lasting relationship with another? That is the better question. If you really have a desire for this answer, then through time, energy and focus you will take great strides to the commitment you desire.

Fear not dear one.  More love to you.

~PG


How Do I Become Less Dependent on My Boyfriend?

Dear Gerlaine,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 18 months, we started going out at the end of year 12. During high school we didn’t hang out that much, or if we did it was with a big group of people. I had two best girl friends and lots of guy friends, which worked for me because you need contact with girls, but guys are more chill.

Anyway basically my friends didn’t have enough time for me, so I ended up hanging with my boyfriend and guy friends. I thought that was okay for a while.   I continued to try and contact my girl friends but they would never reply.

Then one day when my boyfriend was coming back from a ski trip with the boys I couldn’t get in contact with him and I freaked out. He was in a car accident and when he finally called me I freaked out because he didn’t contact me first. (Absolutely ridiculous of me).

Then that night one of my friends said to me “don’t take Luke (my boyfriends name) for granted.” I started thinking if I didn’t have Luke I wouldn’t have anyone, it was then that I realized how dependent on him I was.

I was going to buy a car so he could drive it around even if I don’t have my license. I wasn’t going to go to Thailand with my family because I would be away from him for too long. I was going to do get an apartment this year so we could basically live together. There’s many more. In short, I just got so into the relationship that I forgot about everything else-

I didn’t make many friends at Uni and would only see them there. My boyfriend knows so many people it’s crazy, he gets invited to so many things when I never do. We used to joke about the fact that no one ever texted me (apart from my bf) but now it makes me sad.

I started expecting so much of him, because I’d realized he was basically my only form of happiness. What can I do to stop being so dependent on him?

I’ve joined a gym and I’ve been going with a couple of girl friends. I’m going to a different Uni this year, so hopefully I make more friends. Me and my boyfriend made an agreement that we would only see each other a few times a week and make sure we spend time with friends.

He knows how much not having friends affects me, because it makes me angry at things he does which I never was before. Can anyone tell me any of their stories or any advice? Thanks xoxo

~H Town  (Source)

Ms. Independent,

This is a subject that I must touch with extra care.  I want to let you know that you are not alone.  Women go through this type of trouble all the time.

As for the trip, you weren’t quite being ridiculous.   The first call should have been between you and his parents.  One or the other.  But I am sure that was done more out of your loneliness, than out of pure ridiculousness.

It seems more like to me, that you miss your girls and you only had your boyfriend to dote on.  That is totally natural.

Re-establishing close relationships with your girlfriends would be ideal.  Getting more friends is subjective.  If you’re not truly an outgoing girl who like a lot of different friends and people, then its okay.

It is natural to want to be like someone who is more of people person, but it is better to accept yourself.

I love how open and aware you are.  Very perceptive for someone your age.  You and your boe will be just fine.  Especially with you running quickly to mend your quirks before they become problems.

Get with your girls.  Let them know that you need them.  Continue on with your plan with your man.  Remember life is not about being perfect, but it is about making changes as you see fit.

I have been where you are., and I wish that I had the insight that you have at this time into yourself.  You’re fine.  More love to you.

~G


He Just Hit Me!!!

WE WERE ARGUING AND HE JUST HIT ME!:( BUT I STILL LOVE HIM!?

Dear Gerlaine,

This guy I really like hit me in my face. We were agruing and it got really out of control. He was yelling in my face and I just pushed his…  and I started walking away and he pulled my ponytail, and punched me. I started crying, and then he was like “OMG I’m so sorry!”

After that I went home. He keeps calling me. I won’t answer him!

But I still have love for him! What do i do?

Dear Tabria,

Honey my heart goes out to you. No one should ever suffer physical abuse. Though it does happen.

STAY AWAY… Men and women who abuse once and so easily, usually abuse again. It is once they get past the intitial beating that you begin to see their true colors. Do you want to know if he will beat you worse? Do you want to know if he will kill you? These are the questions that you must ask yourself.

He pulled you back to him by your pony tail then he hit you. No, sorry… he had a few key seconds to think. He followed through.

To get past the emotional pain of loving this man:

I have to go with the old adage: “Time heals all wounds.” It just takes time is all.

Even if you speak to him again. Stand your ground and don’t stand for abuse.

As for you young lady. It is not okay to hit a man in his face, even to get him out of yours. It is always best to walk away.

More love to you. ~PG